out of all my fears, the one i'm on the mission to overcome so deeply is the fear of being alone, ending up with no love, no romantic partner, no late night conversations and no cuddles.
when i first started dating, the kind where neither of you talk to each other but are sort of together? it was weird being liked by a boy like that. like why did you want to be with me or talk to me. i was 14 and after that when i did have the emotional maturity to understand that maybe i don't want to be with him, i ended up attracting another very mediocre person into my destabilized life. i wouldn't want to bore you with the nitty gritties of it all but i should say that, dating young and reflecting back on it now has given me so much perspective on who i am as a person.
i seeked attention from the wrong men. and yes, there are plenty of wrong men. i can not and will not change my idea of it. i would actually argue that, there are only a few gentlemen in our society.
i boxed the idea of dating precisely after this one date i'd been on. i wanted to write a romantic story about this one but i think i've changed my idea of it.
this delhi boy, flew in and i think he already planned on getting into my pants. my best friend suggesting i carry a pepper spray just in case. this was the version of sejal who wanted to explore and try new things, give chances to strangers and make unforgettable memories. all that to know that she was yet in fact attracting the wrong boy.
i really want to live inside the brain of such men for one day and understand how it works and what it is about the analogy of sex and dating that makes them blind to the emotions and mental health of the other person.
i will never understand what about relationships is so casual? what is casual about sleeping in the same bed and forgetting that happened 2 weeks later? am i too old school or are we in the wrong generation?
at the dinner table while our conversation became too deep, i sort of felt like he articulated each word with so much precision like it would hit the exact right places in my brain. to make me think of the person in a way that's so sophisticated and charming, what an art that would be.
"i'm the most romantic person to a detriment of romance" - like bella says in her interview with amelia. i too consider myself to be an incredibly romantic person. like yeah sure i'll stay up all night listening to your theories about life despite having a job to go for the next morning.
but but
what utter hell is all the bullshit about romance and taking care that i don't understand.
i am not a hater of relationships and dating. i purely talk from the experiences in my life and the things i have been witnessing around me. for you it is going to be a whole lot of beautiful and maybe weird too but it's important everyone goes through it. right?
i have this idea that anyone not been through a gut wrenching heartbreak have no clue how tarnishing that pain is and also how salient it is for your character development. how it scars all of the cells in your entire body till you can no longer move nor speak or eat.
all this to say that i have in fact experienced so much of it that i am now tired and have no energy for another male gaze to enter upon and create mayhem in my life.
i will not, though, stop writing romance because i just love it so much.
i really could go on and on about this topic but sum it up - it's just to say that if you think you need to be in a relationship to be happy or go for multiple dates seeking validation - you're in the wrong mindset (at least until you realise it yourself). you're so worthy of extreme love and joy for just as you are. for the exact version of you that is right now. and look at the people around you who love you so much - they're not waiting for you to prove them anything or change yourself in any way- they really just love you for who you are right now.
if you think you can't stay another day without your situationship or relationship who is not treating you right - please run.
that's all for today
thanks so much for reading
i love youuuuu <3
recommendation - ratatouille and a 4 hour long nap.
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